How to screw up your life

I wrote this for a bit of fun several years back. It’s in the style of a self-help book but written darkly. So, look into the mirror refection of it and you might just find some useful learning for your personal development…
It’s quite easy really and there are a lot of fine examples to copy. First of all make sure you are haunted by ghosts from your past. On no account should you exorcise these ghosts or move on from them. Let your past and particularly the bad things weigh you down and make you cautious about taking risks in the future. Have a long list of past events that serve as dire warnings for doing anything similar or even new in the future. Also make sure that good past experiences are forgotten. On no account must you learn from your past, or move on from it.
Next you need to have as many “triggers” as possible, ideally carried from your past as well. Have an automatic negative reaction to just about any situation. Be ready for the attacks that are bound to come. Have a long list of things, people and situations that annoy you. The longer, the better.
Thirdly, you must always doubt the motives of other people. Always assume a hidden agenda, some malicious intent. Always assume people are getting at you or being sarcastic. Be cynical about anything positive – it only hides a negative undertone.
Fourthly, let yourself go – physically and emotionally, whilst at the same time becoming vain. Remember, a complete lack of self-care is a vanity in itself – the best of them all!
Finally, try to establish an “up and down” cycle. If things are going too well, make sure you bring everything down. This is idea for activating a chemical imbalance that leads to depression and other negative goodies. Then you can use other chemicals (drugs) to make the situation even worse in the long run. Soon enough you will be able to say that no one understands you, you can even isolate yourself from warmth and love and develop unhappiness as the only certain rock in your life. The fact that you are now screwed up becomes the firm foundation for your future. Enjoy it – for it will last until you die, which is what you were born for anyway.

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