Photocopier 5

(Scene. A small photocopier room. Sounds of copying. Copier is actually off stage right. Lights up on Glen and Martin. Glen is checking sheets as he photocopies)

 

Martin: Are they what I think they are?

 

Glen: Well, it depends what you think they are.

 

Martin: You know what I think they are.

 

Glen: I do? Well why bother asking me if they are what you think they are. Why not just tell me what they are?

 

Martin: ‘Cos you KNOW what they are. I am just asking if they are.

 

Glen: Are what?

 

Martin: You know.

 

Glen: Blimey, this is why Anna left you, isn’t it?

 

Martin: Don’t be nasty. They are the psychometric test results, aren’t they?

 

Glen: Yes, and they are strictly confidential – no one gets to see these until the follow-up workshop.

 

Martin: So – what am I then?

 

Glen: A non-listener type B

 

Martin: What? That wasn’t in the test.

 

Glen: I know it wasn’t. But you didn’t listen. These are confidential. Top secret until the 15th

 

Martin: Well, I told you what your salary increase was going to be.

 

Glen: (thinks): Oh alright then. But don’t tell anyone else.

 

Martin: Agreed.

 

(Glen looks through the papers)

 

Martin: Well?

 

Glen: You are a type 19 introvert, negative focuser. You have a minus score on decision making and a 62 on natural curiosity.

 

Martin: 62? That sounds high. Is it high?

 

Glen: It means you are downright nosey. You are afraid of being alone and are not very tactile. Your WTBL rating isn’t good either.

 

Martin: What’s my WTBL rating?

 

Glen: It’s 0.4

 

Martin: No, I mean what does WTBL stand for?

 

Glen: Wish to be loved.

 

Martin: Oh. 0.4. So I don’t wish to be loved?

 

Glen: No, you DO wish to be loved. WTBL 0.4 is an almost insane obsession with wanting to be liked by everyone.

 

Martin: But this is stupid.

 

Glen: What is?

 

Martin: This silly test. None of it even remotely describes me. It isn’t me at all.

 

Glen: Well that explains why your LOSA score came out at minus 63.

 

Martin: LOSA?

 

Glen: Your Lack Of Self Awareness index. According to this, you haven’t got a clue who you are.

 

Martin: So what do I need?

 

Glen: You need a coffee

 

Martin: Do I like coffee?

 

Glen: Yes, you like coffee

 

Martin: What else do I like?

 

Glen: It’s on your facebook profile.

 

Martin: Oh yes, of course it is. I’ll check.

 

(End)

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