Photocopier 5

(Scene. A small photocopier room. Sounds of copying. Copier is actually off stage right. Lights up on Glen and Martin. Glen is checking sheets as he photocopies)


Martin: Are they what I think they are?


Glen: Well, it depends what you think they are.


Martin: You know what I think they are.


Glen: I do? Well why bother asking me if they are what you think they are. Why not just tell me what they are?


Martin: ‘Cos you KNOW what they are. I am just asking if they are.


Glen: Are what?


Martin: You know.


Glen: Blimey, this is why Anna left you, isn’t it?


Martin: Don’t be nasty. They are the psychometric test results, aren’t they?


Glen: Yes, and they are strictly confidential – no one gets to see these until the follow-up workshop.


Martin: So – what am I then?


Glen: A non-listener type B


Martin: What? That wasn’t in the test.


Glen: I know it wasn’t. But you didn’t listen. These are confidential. Top secret until the 15th


Martin: Well, I told you what your salary increase was going to be.


Glen: (thinks): Oh alright then. But don’t tell anyone else.


Martin: Agreed.


(Glen looks through the papers)


Martin: Well?


Glen: You are a type 19 introvert, negative focuser. You have a minus score on decision making and a 62 on natural curiosity.


Martin: 62? That sounds high. Is it high?


Glen: It means you are downright nosey. You are afraid of being alone and are not very tactile. Your WTBL rating isn’t good either.


Martin: What’s my WTBL rating?


Glen: It’s 0.4


Martin: No, I mean what does WTBL stand for?


Glen: Wish to be loved.


Martin: Oh. 0.4. So I don’t wish to be loved?


Glen: No, you DO wish to be loved. WTBL 0.4 is an almost insane obsession with wanting to be liked by everyone.


Martin: But this is stupid.


Glen: What is?


Martin: This silly test. None of it even remotely describes me. It isn’t me at all.


Glen: Well that explains why your LOSA score came out at minus 63.


Martin: LOSA?


Glen: Your Lack Of Self Awareness index. According to this, you haven’t got a clue who you are.


Martin: So what do I need?


Glen: You need a coffee


Martin: Do I like coffee?


Glen: Yes, you like coffee


Martin: What else do I like?


Glen: It’s on your facebook profile.


Martin: Oh yes, of course it is. I’ll check.



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