The Dictionary of Business, Social and Cultural Bollox – the story so far

“Actor” – a displaced and/or personally unsatisfied office worker
“Apprentice” – a thoroughly dislikeable, scheming, charisma-free, and manipulative twenty-something whose ambition is three steps ahead of his/her ability and five hundred steps ahead of his/her integrity
“The Arts Community” – a kind of enormous old-peoples’ home for younger people
“Business School” – an institution that teaches the skills of creating recessions
“Business Turnaround” – the process of a business reaching a crisis, turning around and going back to the root cause, and then embarking once again on a journey to the same crisis again.
“Buy in” – sell-out
“Community” – the process of pretending to be interested in what other people are doing, in order to pursue one’s own personal agenda
“Consultation” – the technique of conning people into accepting a change, mainly through insulting their intelligence
“Crapcharting” – the process of a facilitator writing crap onto a flipchart (sometimes also known as “thought shower” or “brainstorming”
“The customer comes first” – a rather unfortunate business term borrowed from the field of copulation, which describes the process whereby a customer has to use up (or spend) all of their energy and resources, before the corporation will minimally respond, or often, not even respond at all
“Customer service” – the art and science of covertly manipulating the attitudes and behaviour of customers, so that they “serve” the objectives of the corporation.
“Cynic” – any person who refuses to collude with mediocrity
“Dragon’s Den” – yet another attack on the richness of language by imaginationless managers, stealing a metaphor for the treasure-filled lair of a graceful, breathtaking and mythological creature and applying it to an utterly mediocre, low creativity, and fire-less business process
“Empowerment” – the management technique of convincing employees that their cage is bigger than it really is
“Environment” – an annoying, foreign & irritatingly large land mass off the coast of the United Kingdom that really has nothing to do with us
“Extended Warranty” – the clever process of selling people a product of lower quality than it at first appears, and then tying them into several years of benevolent entanglement, for which a premium price is charged, far beyond the original value of the product
“Innovation” – an attempt to squeeze even more juice out of already shrivelled, barren and dried-out products and services
or
“Innovation” – the process of turning shit into mediocrity, then talking it up as sunshine
“Irrefutable Scientific Evidence” – the religious belief that the current level of knowledge about something is the absolute and final level of knowledge (also known as the “flat earth theory”)
“Marketing” – the attempt to get the highest possible price or the lowest achievable quality, without losing sales
“Networking” – meeting with intent (Also “Notwerking” – Nic price)
“NLP – Neurolinguistic Programming” – a method of mind control in which “practioners” (also known as “unhealed healers” and “shisters”) programme the minds of everyone to be blind to the practioner’s old unresolved issues. When they are completely blind, they are promoted to practitioner status themselves
“No blame culture” – a business culture of senior managers always saying “No” and then blaming everyone else
“Profit-share” – an attempt to create a profit level of zero, by ensuring costs and expenses are maximised and paid first to the directors
“Reclaim the Streets” – demonstrating outside McDonalds and Starbucks for half an hour before marching to the nearest Wetherspoon’s pub for a glass of factory-farmed Pinot Grigiot, a quick smoke of British American Tobacco cigarettes outside, before buying a couple of GM frozen and microwaveable ready-meals from on the way home
“Social Networking” – an online tool which enables all of your exes, their friends and families to meet and get to know you, your friends and family, as well as each others’ friends and families
“Sustainability” – the ability of a corporation to sustain its current practices and resource commitments, whilst appearing to reduce them
“Team Building” – the process of forcing a reluctant and/or dumb and/or fearful bunch of people together to collude with mediocrity
“Thinking Outside of the Box” – a process of ensuring a box of ideas is so small and limited in the first place that any thinking outside of it is still mediocre and safe
“Twitter” – an online tool that ensures that the first thing that comes into your head, no matter how stupid or irrelevant, is published to the world (also known as shit-spraying)
“Two-for-One Offer” – the process of doubling the price of a product and then offering two products at this new price, then relying on the utter dumbness of the human race to comply
Unique Selling Proposition (USP) – the one or more elements of a product that encourage consumers of it to behave like sheep
“Unlimited Usage” – an unlimited amount of limited use
“Viral Marketing” – the use of marketing techniques that are so irritating that people avoid your business and its products like the plague

“Actor” – a displaced and/or personally unsatisfied office worker

“Apprentice” – a thoroughly dislikeable, scheming, charisma-free, and manipulative twenty-something whose ambition is three steps ahead of his/her ability and five hundred steps ahead of his/her integrity

“The Arts Community” – a kind of enormous old-peoples’ home for younger people

“Business School” – an institution that teaches the skills of creating recessions

“Business Turnaround” – the process of a business reaching a crisis, turning around and going back to the root cause, and then embarking once again on a journey to the same crisis again.

“Buy in” – sell-out

“Community” – the process of pretending to be interested in what other people are doing, in order to pursue one’s own personal agenda

“Consultation” – the technique of conning people into accepting a change, mainly through insulting their intelligence

Crapcharting” – the process of a facilitator writing crap onto a flipchart (sometimes also known as “thought shower” or “brainstorming”

“The customer comes first” – a rather unfortunate business term borrowed from the field of copulation, which describes the process whereby a customer has to use up (or spend) all of their energy and resources, before the corporation will minimally respond, or often, not even respond at all

“Customer service” – the art and science of covertly manipulating the attitudes and behaviour of customers, so that they “serve” the objectives of the corporation.

Cynic” – any person who refuses to collude with mediocrity

“Dragon’s Den” – yet another attack on the richness of language by imaginationless managers, stealing a metaphor for the treasure-filled lair of a graceful, breathtaking and mythological creature and applying it to an utterly mediocre, low creativity, and fire-less business process

Empowerment” – the management technique of convincing employees that their cage is bigger than it really is

Environment” – an annoying, foreign & irritatingly large land mass off the coast of the United Kingdom that really has nothing to do with us

“Extended Warranty” – the clever process of selling people a product of lower quality than it at first appears, and then tying them into several years of benevolent entanglement, for which a premium price is charged, far beyond the original value of the product

Innovation” – an attempt to squeeze even more juice out of already shrivelled, barren and dried-out products and services

or

Innovation” – the process of turning shit into mediocrity, then talking it up as sunshine

“Irrefutable Scientific Evidence” – the religious belief that the current level of knowledge about something is the absolute and final level of knowledge (also known as the “flat earth theory”)

Marketing” – the attempt to get the highest possible price or the lowest achievable quality, without losing sales

Networking” – meeting with intent (Also “Notwerking” – Nic price)

“NLP – Neurolinguistic Programming” – a method of mind control in which “practioners” (also known as “unhealed healers” and “shisters”) programme the minds of everyone to be blind to the practioner’s old unresolved issues. When they are completely blind, they are promoted to practitioner status themselves

“No blame culture” – a business culture of senior managers always saying “No” and then blaming everyone else

“Profit-share” – an attempt to create a profit level of zero, by ensuring costs and expenses are maximised and paid first to the directors

“Reclaim the Streets” – demonstrating outside McDonalds and Starbucks for half an hour before marching to the nearest Wetherspoon’s pub for a glass of factory-farmed Pinot Grigiot, a quick smoke of British American Tobacco cigarettes outside, before buying a couple of GM frozen and microwaveable ready-meals from on the way home

“Social Networking” – an online tool which enables all of your exes, their friends and families to meet and get to know you, your friends and family, as well as each others’ friends and families

Sustainability” – the ability of a corporation to sustain its current practices and resource commitments, whilst appearing to reduce them

“Team Building” – the process of forcing a reluctant and/or dumb and/or fearful bunch of people together to collude with mediocrity

“Thinking Outside of the Box” – a process of ensuring a box of ideas is so small and limited in the first place that any thinking outside of it is still mediocre and safe

Twitter” – an online tool that ensures that the first thing that comes into your head, no matter how stupid or irrelevant, is published to the world (also known as shit-spraying)

“Two-for-One Offer” – the process of doubling the price of a product and then offering two products at this new price, then relying on the utter dumbness of the human race to comply

“Unique Selling Proposition (USP)” – the one or more elements of a product that encourage consumers of it to behave like sheep

“Unlimited Usage” – an limited amount of unlimited use

“Viral Marketing” – the use of marketing techniques that are so irritating that people avoid your business and its products like the plague

(C)2009 Paul Levy and CATS3000
http://www.cats3000.com
“Those who cannot hear the music think that the dancer is mad”

 


Visit the Change Management Zone

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s